In response to Florida governor Ron DeSantis’ claim that he is going to send weapons to the Israeli Defense Force, California governor Gavin Newsom has announced that he will be arming Hamas.
The Democrat Newsom and the Republican DeSantis have been involved in an ongoing dispute, both pretending to be the leaders of their respective parties.
At the ceremony where Newsom announced his plan, he explained that the state has “storehouses full of weapons confiscated from Hispanic drug gangs, including fully automatic machine guns,” and that the state’s entire stores would be airdropped into Gaza to “aid Hamas in their just battle against colonialism.”
Newsom further stated that California would “also be sending chemical gas.” Newsom then turned to a PowerPoint and showed pictures of a dilapidated warehouse full of tired-looking Mexicans.
He continued: “We are manufacturing poison gas in abandoned warehouses all across California. The gas factories pay a living wage and are staffed entirely by undocumented immigrants. You don’t even need an ID to work there.”
“We’re going to make sure the LGBT community in Palestine has first access to the gas,” Newsom said, before clarifying: “I don’t mean we’re going to gas the gays, I mean that gay Hamas fighters will be the first ones to use it to gas Jews.”
An aide then interrupted Newsom and said something inaudible. However, Newsom’s response to her could be heard clearly by the press, despite the fact that he covered his mic: “Well, there must be some. They’re everywhere these days.”
The aide then said something inaudible in response.
“It’s against Christianity too, and my church is decked out with rainbow flags,” Newsom said before uncovering the mic.
“Forgive me, my wife was just in a car accident,” Newsom said, smiling. “She’s fine.”
Newsom then added that he is also sending abortion services for “brave Palestinian women and girls who don’t want to see any more beautiful little babies killed by the Jews.”
Newsom then began chanting “intifada,” encouraging the crowd to chant along with him, before returning to his PowerPoint.
He then showed what appeared to be a picture of an M1 Abrams tank painted with the ISIS flag. He quickly clicked off the image, saying “well, that’s a mistake.”
He claimed that he was not arming ISIS, but only Hamas and “maybe Islamic Jihad,” before covering the mic and asking his aide: “We’re not arming ISIS, are we?”
The aide, who this time could be heard clearly by the press, replied: “I know we are arming the Muslims.”
“Yeah, but there’s – there are different types of Muslims,” Newsom could be heard saying. “We’re only supposed to be arming the ones that DeSantis is fighting. Not the, you know, the crazy ones.”
Newsom uncovered the mic, smiling as if everyone in the press had not heard the exchange.
“We’re going to clear this up, but it appears that this image was generated by Bing AI. Crazy stuff these kids are into. I don’t understand it. But to be clear, the state of California has no plans to arm ISIS, only Hamas as they struggle against their Jewish oppressors.”
Newsom then took questions, the first from Washington Post about his claim of “Jewish oppressors.” The journalist asked him to clarify if he meant Israelis or all Jews.
“What’s the difference?”, Newsom asked.
“Israel is a state, whereas the Jewish people are a faith that exists internationally,” the reporter answered.
“Yeah, but all Jews can go to Israel. It’s a distinction without a difference,” the governor said. “Next question.”
A journalist from the LA Times then asked what kind of gas Newsom was sending.
“Poison gas,” Newsom replied.
“I just wondered as to which type of poison gas,” the Times reporter inquired. “The Jews were gassed by the Nazis using Zyklon B.”
“Well, I assure you, we are very sensitive to memories of the Holocaust, and we would not be sending the same type of gas used by Hitler,” Newsom replied. “I don’t know the exact type of gas off the top of my head. I believe it may be Zyklon C, but I’ll have to get back to you on that.”
Newsom then turned to an Islamic imam in a robe who had been standing on the stage next to him. The imam began chanting “death to the Zionist state, Allahu akbar, death to the Jews.”
Newsom raised his fist in solidarity, and stood gazing at the imam for several seconds before his aide informed him that his masseuse had arrived at the governor’s mansion. The governor quickly waved to the crowd, before climbing into his white Cadillac limousine, which burned rubber as it departed.
Note: This is fake news. It’s a commentary. To be clear, DeSantis actually did say that the state of Florida is sending weapons to Israel, so this is a commentary on that, and on the absurdity of partisan politics in America generally.