Jimmy Buffett is Finally Dead: Global Day of Celebration Declared – “We are Finally Free”

Jimmy Buffett and his song “Margaritaville” have been a yoke around the necks of all people on earth for decades now. The world breathed a collective sigh of relief when it was announced this week that the sonovabitch is finally dead.

The song has ruined the lives of billions of people, totally crushing their souls and crippling their ability to formulate hopes and dreams. It has been described as “a monumental weight of torment” on the backs of anyone who ever tried to have a good time at the beach or at any summer event. Women have also been known to play the song at different times, simply to hurt other people.

Every person on earth is estimated to have heard the song over 70 million times, with Floridians and other beach people – as well as people who frequent summer cocktail parties with boomers – estimated to have heard it 2,000 times more than that.

“I will never be a whole man, and I will never truly be free of that song,” said one Florida man. “But his death gives me hope that I may be able to keep on going, and make some kind of life for myself.”

Floridians are demanding that Ron DeSantis install a urinal on top of Buffett’s grave, so that “citizens can get some sort of closure after this man who destroyed their lives is finally in the ground.”

One Floridian, who estimates that he’s heard the soul-wrenching song “at least 3,000 trillion times,” said that he would be camping out near the grave and drinking coffee all day for at least a month.

“There is no number of gallons of piss I can pour onto this man’s grave that will repair the damage he did to my soul,” the man said. “However, I need to spend some serious time pissing on his grave, as I think about what I am going to do now that I am finally free of this curse.”

Another Floridian declared: “we are finally free,” and went on to say that Jimmy Buffet was worse than Adolf Hitler. “Hitler at least killed people – Jimmy Buffett made us live in endless suffering, haunted by that evil, twisted song.”

It’s important to note: David Allen Coe is still alive.

He’s 83.

God bless him.